words dissemble, words be quick

Scribbled Dreams is an online journal I've kept since I was thirteen years old. Originally hosted on Geocities and moved to multiple personal websites over the years, SD finally merged with my (then seperate) Livejournal on April 10, 2005. Here you are sure to find the semi-daily musings of Rachel: austinite, college student, women's studies major, hopeful professional sex educator, vegetarian, amateur painter & photographer, and feminist, among other things. This journal consists of mostly private entries because I used to lock them all by default, but lately more entries I'm okay with the world seeing have been public. I generally don't add people I don't know, but if you're really special, well, rules can always be compromised. Please try to comment here to let me know if you've added me, because I rarely check!

The entries in this journal go back to July 12, 2003.

Love,
Rachel

This whole "McCain choosing Palin as VP" thing is a bunch of bullshit for many reasons, but one reason in particular struck me so hard that I just had to say something. Sorry if I offend anyone in advance (and I truly mean that, I know politics are very very touchy!)

( actually, I'm going to cut this, because I know some people on my friends' list dislike politics-talk. )

If he wins, mark my words, I am moving to Canada where I can have my reproductive rights.

I kind of want short hair all of a sudden. Like, one of those cutesy boy short haircuts. I think the show Shear Genius is infecting my brain, but I think I'd look pretty sexy with nothing to hide behind. However, if it wasn't the right short cut, I'd look awful for a long time.

Thoughts?

I was having a conversation with Cory the other day about the fact that I haven't taken a razor to myself in four years this coming August. It started just in the context of our relationship and what we both think about it, but I began to think about what this means for just me outside of our relationship. It's strange for me because I always thought the furry pits made me look edgy and sexy, and my leg hair is barely noticeable except for on my calves, so I never gave much thought to the matter after I made the decision to stop. But sometimes he and I get to talking and I wonder aloud about what people think of me, specifically men, and so I often probe my boyfriend for these answers. I do sometimes get compliments from men about my natural look (especially before I cut a foot off the hair on my head) they just happen to be from fifty-year old hippie men in the bulk section of Whole Foods, who in my opinion are the only genre who really know true beauty. But I digress. Cory is really respectful of me when it comes to this, but expresses his desire to "just see" what I would look like with smooth legs or armpits (I maintain the v-zone for him already.) As caring and loving as he is, he still thinks my practices are a bit strange, and it is still something he has to just let slide with me because I'm so insistent on not shaving.

And so I began to wonder, if even my boyfriend thinks this way and has to "tolerate" my practices, I have to consider what other men think of me. I wasn't shaving when Cory and I first met, I still wasn't when we began dating- I mean, he must've thought I was attractive enough to pursue me further. Will most men think I'm attractive and be able to overlook this? How many men have wanted to ask me out but stopped when they saw what was under my long skirts or t-shirt sleeves, or assumed I was (gasp) a lesbian? How many potential friends have I lost because they thought I was weird or gross? Cory tells me he didn't mind because I was such a cool person, and was able to overlook his preference for women who maintain their body hair that I'm sure most men share, which is actually one of the reasons I prefer to not shave (more on that later.)

I've always said that if my significant other was respectful in asking me to consider shaving for them, I would. Up until now, that hadn't been challenged. But I realized that if I had a strong preference for something in Cory's appearance, he would oblige me, and has in the past. So I told him I would compromise. During our conversation, I gathered that the hair on my thighs doesn't bother him because it's so blonde and fine, but the hair on my calves that is more coarse and dark is what he would prefer I remove. I told him the pits would never go, and he's resigned himself to that fact, but I told him I would trim them a bit so they won't look so unruly. It is sad to me, but it's just hair that will grow back, and I'm doing it for someone I love.

What I'm worried about, though, is that people will think I've finally caved into societal pressures. I hate that. Like I stated above, I know it affects how people view me, and if I ever started shaving completely again, I'd feel as if I would be taking the easy way out. I've always referred to my armpits and legs as "the asshole filter", meaning they keep the asshole men who can't overlook the details of my appearance for the beautiful person I am inside, and lets the men who think I'm beautiful no matter how I look in. The same goes for not just potential partners, but for friends, and family, and pretty much anyone connected to me. If they can't see past one aspect of my appearance, then they're not people I would want to associate with any way. I believe this is absolutely true, and I don't want to part with my filters. It's more than just me liking to look the way I do, it's how I feel because of looking the way I do.

But.

It's going to be an interesting social experiment.

I've been so busy with work and moving that I forgot to write... let's see. On Thursday Cory and I took his truck and my mom's truck to the house, and he helped me move all my furniture back to my mom's house. All that's left there now is little odds and ends to fetch, and of course I have to clean my room very well, but I have until the 31st to do that so I'm not panicking in the least. I'm actually feeling glad I made the decision to move back to my mom's house for a couple of months until I'm back on my feet. I was doing well financially, don't get me wrong, but I want to take the opportunity to save up some more money before I go back out there. Katrin and I talked about getting a house together, this time more concretely (we've been talking about it for a couple of months now) and I think it will work out really nicely. Now, we just need to find a place, which is the hardest part. Cory is leaving to go to Minnesota to do contract work with his dad and uncle at the end of next week, and he'll be gone for at most a month and a half, at least a month... so preferably, we're going to wait until then to decide on a place. In the interest of saving as much money as possible, waiting a bit longer than that is fine with me... I like my mom, and I certainly don't mind living with her. The only drawback is that it's so far away from downtown, but I'm not really minding the drive, and I'll be close to town again within two months or so. I suppose I'm taking a step back in order to take a big step forward into what I really want- having some extra money again. I had to let bodhiwing.net expire because I plain just didn't have the money to renew it, which is kind of sad, but I suppose it's time to pick a new domain name because that one now holds an empty meaning to me.

But in other, better news, if everything goes well I'll have Betsy back on Monday! I miss my frumpy little station wagon. Her engine block wasn't cracked, so we just had to fix the blown header. We ordered her a new seatbelt so she can pass inspection, which expired on my birthday, and then she'll be all legal again. No more driving my dad's gas-guzzling convertible!

Despite the car troubles and the slight stress from moving, all is well. I enjoy the peaceful feeling I get from sitting on the porch with Cory and Gia while we water my mom's garden in the evenings, and hanging out with some of my best friends in the world nearly every night, and seeing my family every day. I feel like I'm on vacation, almost!

Today I'm going to try and see the Batman movie with Katrin (again, I already saw it with Rachael, Kiki, and Kenneth!) at noon. We're ordering Jim Bob's breakfast tacos and eating them in the theater ;)

birthday in 3 days.

santa fe in 7 days.

holy crap.

:)

I am very much at peace.

At last, I feel as if life is very balanced instead of hectic, smooth rather than jilted. I visited my parents today, and usually whenever I drive out to lakeway it sort of upsets my balance and leaves me sort of unhappy, but today was good. I think I'm finally accepting living with my parents, and high school, and lakeway as a past life. But I digress. Today was good. I enjoyed the drive out there, listening to a mix tape my mom made in the nineties that I stole from her last time I visited, with my windows down as my air conditioning is functioning only sporadically. Besides, it saves like .03% of my gas or something. I met my mom at the Cinemark so we could see the Sex & the City movie together (that makes a total of three times I've seen this movie- I think I'm done) and I saw my Kimmers because she was working. I saw Katrin coming out of the galleria as I was following my mom back to her house, she caught up with me and I told her to meet me there, so she did! We watched Across the Universe, picked tomatoes in my mom's garden, and made plans to hang out after I get off work tomorrow. Left mom's house with fresh organically grown tomatoes, tons of vegetarian magazines with recipes that Marcia gave to my mom for me, and a couple of planters for the plants I will eventually buy once I get my paycheck. Went to my dad's house and gave him his father's day presents (Starbucks dark roast Sumatra, and a book about cigars) chatted for a while, and now I'm here at home.

More and more I've realized since moving out that my parents are such beautiful people. My dad has found true happiness with Stephanie, his girlfriend, and I'm really happy that she's moving here in the near future. He seems so happy, which in turn makes me happy. My mom is always happy to see me, and she's doing productive things with her art and her gardening and stuff. My little brother is more mature, thoughtful, and more handsome every time I see him.

Sigh. I'm not very good at updating lately, but I get so caught up in my daily routine: go to work in the morning, come home and take care of Gia, hang out with roomies/manfriend, sleep. And occasionally see Kim or Katrin inbetween. Life's not bad, though. I certainly can't complain about much nowadays.

What am I going to do for my birthday? It happens in fifteen days. Camping? Try to talk to Tom about convincing the Eggmen to play for beer in my mom's backyard? Low-key party at my house? I just want all my friends to be there. I guess I'll think of something fun to do.

I'm going to try harder to update at least twice a week... heh. I feel like if I don't write about my life, there's so much I won't recall. Photographs and memories of certain events only do so much.

Until next time :)

(it's t-shirt weather!)

Yesterday was lovely... I got up and went to work at eleven, and we weren't busy at all. I was working with Chad, which was awesome. He's much older than I am, which I like, because I get more perspective on things. For example, we've established that he dropped out of high school the year I was born. It really makes me feel very, very young all of a sudden. You know how older people ask, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Yesterday while talking to Chad, I sort of realized that for our generation, it's "Where were you when you heard Kurt Cobain was dead?" Seriously. Chad heard it on MTV news from Kurt Loder. I was four! He also saw Forrest Gump in theaters. Somehow, I wish I was older, and that I was a teenager in the nineties. I'd be much cooler.

Anyhow, back to my lovely day. Since it was so slow at work, I made some kick ass potato salad, Poboys style. I was going to make egg salad, but I didn't have enough time, so I transferred that task to Timmy and Dusty as I skipped on home. We all decided that instead of going to Barton Springs, we'd go to Camel's Hole, so we all piled in the car after getting into our bathing suits. After finding a gas station to procure beer and cigarettes, we arrived at Camel's Hole only to find that it was all dried up. People were still there drinking beer, which I found really amusing. It was hot outside, and we wanted to swim, damnit- so after having a cold one in the shade on the rocks, we headed to the springs. Gia was really good with swimming, she followed us right in, and sooner or later we just took her off the leash and let her run around with the other dogs. She was really good off the leash, and mostly just stayed right by us. After the refreshing dip in the springs, we chowed down at Taco C and went home to watch Superbad and fell asleep. It was a perfect Austin day. I wish I could do that every day.

And today? Well, all I've done today is sleep, eat oatmeal, and go naked tanning in my backyard with my dog and my wifey. Life is good. Tomorrow? Go to work in the morning, take photos for printing, buy a hammock, and nap/read for the remainder of the day. And maybe see my Kimmers. :D

I had a great time last night coming home from work and hanging out with Samantha and my roommates (we played Jesus for her!) but then I stayed up too late messing around with the iPod, and now I've slept in until noon. Again. Argh. I promised myself I wouldn't do this during the summer. I'm looking forward to next week at the Poboys- I should have more day shifts rather than night, which means I'll be getting my lazy ass up around 8 every day. In my defense, the college workload probably had something to do with my night owl tendencies as of late. Also, Gia the wonder alarm clock dog wakes me up much too early, and I know that my body tends to sleep for a minimum of two to three hours once I go back to sleep, so if she wakes me up at eight I conk out until at least ten or eleven. This is sort of acceptable, but NOON? I think having a weird dream kept me asleep.

Despite me feeling like I've been sleeping in too late and being lazy, life has been good. The summer and having free time made me a little uncomfortably un-busy at first, and I felt myself getting a bit depressed, but I'm getting used to having all this glorious free time. It will be better when Kimmers gets back from her trip to Chicago (by the way, congratulations sweetheart- I love you so so so much & am proud of you!) and we become reunited and best friends forever once more. My mom cooked dinner for me on Wednesday, which was absolutely delicious, and I still have leftovers! She liked the earrings I bought her for her birthday/mother's day. Yesterday I also got my oil changed, which was bad for my pocketbook but good for Betsy, and got Gia her heartworm and flea meds from the vet. At the vet, Gia got weighed (because they need to see what kind to give her according to her weight) and she now weighs 49.9 pounds! Aww. Besides reassuring me that my baby is growing, this means I can now buy the flea and heartworm stuff in whole packs instead of just one at a time, because if I bought a pack of the 30-45 lbs stuff it would have been useless by now. I guess I was pretty productive yesterday. I don't feel so bad now.

New plan for tomorrow: re-set sleep schedule by waking up at 9 am tomorrow. Have a good breakfast and take Gia for a walk. Get back home and do something productive, like cleaning, until I have to go to work. Do not drink espresso at work. Come home and do not stay up past midnight. Repeat.

Breakfast time now! Maybe Kimmers is up... i'll see if we can have a quick date before I have work at 4.

Love,
R

1. Where is your cell phone? charging.
2. Describe your boyfriend/girlfriend? MYWIFE
3. Your hair? unusual.
4. Your mother? artistic.
5. Your father? loving.
6. Your favorite thing? depends.
7. Your dream last night? sex.
8. Your favorite drink? tea.
9. Your dream car? biodiesel.
10. The room you are in? living.
11. Your ex? cheater.
12. Your fear? aloneness.
13. What do you want to be in 10 years? fulfilled.
14. Who did you hang out with last night? celestial-angel.
15. What you're not? confident.
19. The last thing you did? type.
20. What are you wearing? skirt.
22. Your favorite book? lots.
23. The last thing you ate? bagel.
24. Your life? whimsical.
25. Your mood? sluggish.
26. Your friends? life.
27. What are you thinking about right now? sleep.
28. Your car? betsy.
29. What are you doing at the moment? sitting.
30. Your summer? now.
31. Your relationship status? this question is not difficult to answer with one word. i broke the rules- ohshit.
32. What is on your tv? frida
33. When is the last time you laughed? gia
34. Last time you cried? weeks.
35. School? over.

In other news, today I cleaned my house & I just got done with watching Frida. Tomorrow I'm: getting my oil changed, stopping by the vet to get gia's heartworm/flea meds, possibly shopping at world market, and having dinner at my mommy's house.. it's been nice these past few days. Cinco de Drinko was fun. I have 2 days off in a row. Kimmers comes back on thursday. Very excite!

(I watched Borat a couple of days ago. Can you tell?)

I'm done with school. I'm really greatly relieved, because I feel like in order to be myself I absolutely need time to myself; and school and work at the same time means I'm always going, going, going and I have virtually none of that. So to celebrate my newfound freedom from academia today, I cleaned and rearranged my room, which has been neglected for a long time now. I feel very feng shui and whatnot. This is kind of how I start my summer nearly every year- a purging of some kind.

Let's see... tomorrow's project is going back to Lakeway to returning the desk I borrowed from my dad to him, having lunch with him and Stephanie, and bringing them back to the house so they can see where I live. I was just going to return the desk to him today, but when I came outside this morning to let Gia out, there was a BIG snake (about 2-3 feet long) in our backyard and all the hullabaloo with getting animal control to come out to the house pushed me over the edge into lateness. He wasn't venomous (a good texan knows these things!) but I didn't want Gia to mess with him, since snake bites to an animal are never a good thing even if the snake isn't poisonous. Long story short, we made plans for tomorrow, and I think I might even stop by the high school on my way to my dad's house just to say hello to the H-Man and get back my Ron Jeremy book from him. I also took pictures of mr. big fucking scary snake, but since I can't find my camera cord (even after cleaning my room...) you guys are going to have to settle for this and miss out on all the other photos I've taken over the last few months.

It's nice to just relax and ramble on about things. I can already feel myself unwinding. I can already feel myself changing. And I think I'm going a little batty from being by myself in the house for three-ish hours. Time to drive to Lava Java to see my wifey! (& get free dinner at the po-boys.)

love.

I try to do this every summer, and keep up with it- so here are my goals for this summer.

- re-paint the living room so it is a different color than ugly brownish red
- work on redecorating the house with the help of my wifey. buy some curtains for the living room, get rid of nabisco and ugly couch, find cute dining table, re-organize storage space, clean everything, etc.
- either go to barton springs and swim or take gia for a run/walk/jog every morning
- teach gia how to actually fetch shit, and maybe also "stay" in addition to her "sit" and "lay down" repertoire.
- do some art. take some pictures. be creative!
- save money
- find some more new recipes and cook delicious things
- go camping at least once
- have fun!

I'm sure I'll think of more.. but for now, here is the rest of my life, also in list form:

+ one more (2 page) paper, one more class left.
+ NO MORE SCHOOL EVER (not really)
+ since it is the end of school, I get to sell my books back, which should mean at least a little extra cash.
+ hopefully treasure city tomorrow with my wifey
+ kimmers is coming back sooooooon :)
+ eeyore's birthday was fun.
- I got a parking ticket. at eeyore's.
- our loud ass crackdealing neighbors kept me up the night before last, last night some crazy hail woke me up because we have a tin roof.
- cory got fired from thundercloud. suck.
- the rats have returned and invaded the house. stop eating all my food, assholes.

yeah.
come see me at work tomorrow (past 4pm), peoples.

I cleaned my kitchen for three hours today. I cleaned the stove, the toaster, re-organized the cabinets, did the dishes, put away/organized the dishes, bleached the counters, and cleaned out my fridge/pantry.

Although my feminist half would be extremely disappointed in me, I think I just need to become a housewife or a maid for a career. Cleaning stuff while blasting the radio is seriously how I find my inner peace.

Now I'm just waiting for my wifey to get home, see our beautiful kitchen, and have sex with me before we go to study at Lava Java. ;)

( a picture survey. )

Mon.
Community service in Women's Studies 1-1:50 p.m.
The American Experience 3:30-4:45 p.m.

Tues.
Contemporary Biology 9:30-10:45 a.m.
Marriage & Family 11 a.m.-12:15 p.m.

Wed.
The American Experience 3:30-4:45 p.m. (one class! yes!)

Thurs.
(same as Tues.)

Fri. - NO CLASS. WINNNNNNN.

That was relatively successful. I decided to only take twelve hours again, because I've heard horror stories about how challenging American Experience is, and my coursework that semester involves 40 hours of community service. I'm not stoked about the 9:30 class, but whatever. It's better for me to wake up early. I'm just more of a waking-up-at-10am kind of person.

Not much else to say.. I continue to be happy for: the weekend, getting paid in five days, and how close the end of school is.

I wonder if it would be cheaper to take yoga as a class at school or to pay for a class at yoga yoga? Hm.

Giving my speech about FGC today was incredibly satisfying. I know it sounds silly, but it made me feel like I was a step closer to doing what I want to do with my life. I love providing people with information about women's health, and empowering them with knowledge... it's so powerful when someone says to me, "Thank you so much for telling me about the book Cunt", or "I really enjoyed your presentation, you did such a great job." I love it. I think I'm going to work more on this speech and present it at the Dunstan Bowles persuasive speaking contest at my college next year. Even though I dislike public speaking, I'm getting better at it. I still have a Mitch Hedberg-esque speaking style: always looking down, but adorably awkward so everyone overlooks it. Gotta work on that.

I have a five page paper and presentation due tomorrow in my sociology class, and I haven't started a damn bit of it. I am the QUEEN of procrastination. One more speech, two more papers for sociology, and three more papers for women's studies and I'm home free. No finals for me. Three weeks until summer. I hope I can pull off all A's... that would be fantastic. I'm due to register for next semester's classes at 6pm tomorrow.. exciting! Prospective classes: marriage & family, human sexuality, community service in women's studies, women in the bible, intro to world religions, intro to philosophy, contemporary biology, math for liberal arts majors... we'll see what works.

It's rainyshitty today and I feel kinda sick :( maybe I'll take a nap before I start my paper or something.

Yesterday was awesome. As many of you might have guessed because you know me very well, it was sunny and beautiful outside all day, which meant I did not do any of my schoolwork. Not one bit. And it felt good. I woke up early (around eight, I guess) even though I hadn't gone to sleep until three the night before, and felt completely well-rested. I fed Gia and lounged about the house doing laundry until it was time to meet my mom for lunch. I parked a couple blocks away and fought through the crowd of tourists for the Texas relay up to Madam Mam's, where my mom was already waiting with eggrolls and peanut sauce. It was really nice to see her, which only happens about twice a month nowadays. I write about her in nearly all my women's studies papers (probably because I miss her so much) which continues to remind me what an important influence she is in my life. And she always tells me I look pretty. :)

After she left for her art show, I went by the Po because Celeste was working the Lava Java and it's right up the street from Madam Mam's. I say hey to the Poboys and propose that we go to Barton Springs. It was the perfect date: hot outside, barton springs was its' regular sixty-eight degrees, and it was crowded but not painfully so. We swam, lounged, and went to Sno Beach (!!!) afterwards. I don't know why, but my hair always looks so amazing after I swim at Barton. I think it has something to do with the fact that it's blessed by Tibetan monks. The watermelonlimeicetreat was immensely satisfying as well.

And now, speech class.

I feel much better today. Instead of feeling overwhelmed by my obligations, I'll just be empowered by the fact that I'm managing the whole being self-sufficient/going to college at the same time thing pretty successfully. I also had a fantastic day at work- Tony let me go early, I made $17 in tips, and I got to work with my wifey.

Right now I'm working on a powerpoint presentation on female genital cutting, for my informative speech I'm giving wednesday. My poor innocent powerpoint program never saw this coming, and my classmates probably won't see it coming either... but oh well. I'm kind of nervous about giving this speech, just because it's so out there for some people, but I'm okay with being that weird girl who talks about vaginas in speech class I suppose. I'm happy that even though I have to prepare and give a speech on top of writing two papers for my sociology class next week, at least I'm doing an assignment on something that really interests me.. it could be much worse.

Tomorrow is going to be fantastic. I have the ENTIRE day to study and write papers, a rarity these days, and I get to meet my mommy at Madam Mam's for a tasty thai food lunch before she goes to her art show. Study + free food = win.

Random post ends... now.

I can't put my finger on when life became so stressful all of a sudden. School still continues to be really hard and intense, I continue to have to work to support myself, the flow of all my other obligations have been steady... but it's only now that feel so frustrated. I go to work and school, every day, and when it all wraps up at the end I feel like I'm not me anymore. Just dictated by my responsibility. Have to wake up, have to go to school, have to work, have to pay bills, have to be independent. Needless to say, I've been feeling a bit machine-like lately.

I was actually a little sad that school was ending soon, but considering the aforementioned I don't mind a bit. As the illustrious Forrest Gump would say, "that's one less thing." It is sad, but only having to go to work will free up a huge chunk of time originally filled by school. Fuck you, school. You severely inhibit my free time and the time I could use to be making money. I guess I could always take out a loan to cover my cost of living next year, but I would feel dumb for that and I'd just have more money to pay back later...

Anyway, since I always do this (and to get my mind off negative stuff) I'm going to make a list of summer plans :)

1. Buy a season pass to barton springs and swim laps with the old men in speedos at the crack of dawn every morning. Bonus points if I make friends with them.
2. Re-paint the living room!
3. Work, but not too much
4. Turn 19
5. Try not to be lazy. This is key.
6. Going to ACL might be nice too

love,
jorge regula

i love---
blooming wildflowers
long drives alone with gia
the dirty dirty poboys and their adventures in debauchery
being broke
not being able to afford luxuries
no television
just books and reading for pleasure
and beautiful movies to pass the time
my aching calves and feet from a long day
college
work
sunlight, the warmth of my skin
walking alone
sleeping alone
being alone, with my thoughts
my east austin casa (cheap rent, scarce yuppies)
big backyard and puppy playtime
seven miles or so round trip, work to home
cooking adventures
johnny cash
songs that describe how i feel
the same homeless people i see every day
riding in my car with the windows down
capturing different moments throughout the same everyday routine
escapism
dreams
sleep (ten hours at a time.)
cute boys that don't pay me any mind
being quirky and not quite beautiful
dr. bronners' peppermint soap
waterfall showers because the showerhead is broken
not minding about those little things
not knowing exactly where i am and where i'm going